Secured.

I had to work yesterday. Not uncommon for me to do. I’m a single mom and Layla is expensive.

Layla is usually ecstatic about these dates she has with her Auntie Carolyn and uncles when I go to work. She’s in an imaginative stage of her life and if the story is spun correctly, it’s an adventure waiting to happen.

As in all areas of my life, communication is key. Layla is no exception to that line of communication. It’s sweet to see how she enjoys being kept in the know of life.

In my own fear of abandonment I experienced with my own mother when I was a little younger than her, I soothe my inner child and Layla by telling her where I am going and when I will be back. She usually nods in understanding and says, Mommy has to work. Which I usually say, Yes but I’ll be back.

I want her to feel secured. I want my inner child to know she won’t be forgotten.

When she squeals in delight to run down the hall with Uncle Daniel – so preoccupied to give me anymore than a half wave and bye momma- my feelings normally would be crushed. I’d yell after her, I LOVE YOU! Sometimes she’d reply.

As its become more common practice, I am content when she does this. I am comforted in the fact that she is a secured child. She knows I am coming back. And most importantly, that she has such a great support system in place for when I have to work.

Tonight, I got home before they did. They went out to dinner with family visiting from Belize. Another event I’ve missed. Though I could dwell there, I seize the opportunity of a few minutes to myself to get some work done.

Strumming along on my keyboard, flipping through notes and having one foot in another project before this one is wrapped up, I get a picture that opens the flood gates.

I don’t even know at first what is going on and why in heavens name I get such a strong reaction.

There my daughter is asleep, in the arms of my brother, who has stepped up to be one of the strong consistent male influences in Layla’s life. There’s my aunt, who was that strong female I had in my life. Shelby loving Layla. Auntie Carolyn, quick to get the picture for me.

This is it huh? This is when you know you are loved, secured, whole. You made it. This is the moment I would of missed out on if I didn’t move into this space of my life.

I know a lot of heartache and trauma. I am aware of these things. That’s why I can write about them.

But what makes me fumble, what I truly am not familiar with when it surprises me, is complete and utter happiness and fulfillment.

My heart explodes into a million tiny hearts as you hear Sandra Bullock explain her proposal in the movie with Ryan Reynolds. This will be the rare instance I ever reference a movie.

Life’s really good here these days. I know this to be true because it feels brand new.

I’ll continue walking you down the tough roads of my life in hopes of being that lighthouse for someone who has had a similar circumstance. You’ll get the best seats to my experiences and how I’ve been able to get here. This I know to be my calling.

But today, I want to fill you with the goodness, that no matter what, every little thing is going to be all right. That you won’t even know when it happens- it’ll just show up- Hey there, I’ve been waiting for you.

I hope your Sunday is beautiful and it’s filled with family who make you whole. If this post finds you, I hope it hugs you and welcomes you in.

Come on in, the water is fine!

Signed: Julia