Time.

I have been in quarantine with a 3-year-old for what has felt like the last 10 million years, also known as day 10. 

As I watch the movie ‘Home’ for the trillionth time, the Boov says, Can I come into the out now?

Join the club. I too want to come into the out now, buddy. 

Staying put is not my strong suit. I am a mover. An energetic, constantly moving, nonstop talking being, even when sick.

My one-bedroom apartment I share with this equally energetic, constantly moving,nonstop talking tiny being was already TOO SMALL!

We are over it and each other today.

As she watches her movie, I start flipping through my journal. I stop at the page where on the last New Moon I wrote down my ‘problems’ and corresponding affirmations/manifestations to ‘fix’ them.

You see, after years of trying to find where I belonged when it came to religion and spirituality, my soul found its home in Astrology. 

It’s still an out of the box concept for many. One I am still actively studying. 

To each their own but please do find your own. 

I read the page over and over. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. 

The major ‘problem’ that day was my usual demon that sounds something like, You’re a bad mother. An imposter. I work too much. I play too hard. I’m too busy. I never have enough time. I’m just a ‘functional’ parent. Therefore, I am a bad mom.

Do you know when you are ‘naturally’ good at something? It comes easy to you. I watch moms/dads jump into parenting and it becomes them. It flows with ease in their mannerisms, their routines, well planned birthdays, hours at the park, involvement in PTAs, the list goes on. That stuff does not come easy to me. It is easier for me to go to work than it is to be Layla’s mom. I have battled so much shame in that. It doesn’t help that my days are always full.

I start them off with workouts (most mornings), then its dressed and off to daycare and work, respectively. After work it’s a sprint to get errands done, pick up the child and depending on the day whatever extracurricular activity I’ve signed us BOTH up for. Then it’s home. Dinner. Bath time. Cleanup. Lunchbox. Scheduled FT calls with her dad and his family. Bedtime for the little human. Workout if I missed the am one.

Finally, I have a small sweet window that I read, write, meditate or watch Tik Tok videos. Bed. Repeat x5.

Don’t ask how I’m suppose to fit dating into this equation.

To think I thought I never had time before Layla. 

Though, I have that routine down pat it leaves little time for me to savor a moment longer with my daughter, finish the book I’ve been working on, read the many books I’ve left half way or watch the series on Netflix.

The number one thing I needed to ‘fix’ everything was time.

The universe listened and delivered just in time for the full moon. Not exactly how I wanted her too but she did. There you go, Julia. There’s time. Show me what you can do with it.

Thinking about it now, my heart is full. 

I watched the series, finished the books, started the blog and have made much progress on my own book. Most importantly I’ve made sweet, sweet memories with my baby girl. We really needed this time together.  

As a motherless mother, I usually have thoughts of how would Layla remember me if something happened to me. My fondest memories of my own mother are of her time. Her laugh rings loud in my head right now. Contagious, much like Layla’s.

So, for the last ten days, Layla and I hung out. I didn’t nail a routine, provide structure or get a whole lot of productive work done with her. Even as I type that I feel the pangs of guilt. What we did do would have the perfect mom I dreamed I would be, cringe. 

We stayed up WAY too late. Played hide and seek in the dark, put brownies in the oven at 10pm, had ice cream for breakfast, snuggled up in bed while we watched our own screens, read books and told Alexa what to do all day. I would stare at her in her fits of giggles and marvel in all she is and all I know she will be. 

It’s back to business tomorrow. We’re both ready for that. 

As always, in a roundabout way, I am grateful. Whatever healing we had to do, we obviously had to go inside to do it. 

Time. What would you do if you had more of it?