Today, I logged into my blog and noticed it had some traffic. You think they’re wondering where I went? Why did I go dark?
It’s been a long time since I wrote a thing…
I did not go dark because I am in a dark place. Contrary. I am actually in bright lights.
You would imagine this is when I should feel the need to share more but I just don’t. I don’t know if its because I felt obligated to. The moment I feel obligated that’s the moment I believe I lose interest. Or if its that somewhere in the healing journey I no longer felt the need to share those parts of myself. I stayed quiet for so long that when I could finally speak it was loud. Now the thunder of my voice is the humming of a lullaby for a little girl before bed. Its sweeter, kinder. It’s a voice that has made peace with the past.
I scroll through a few blog post. It’s a wonderful visit.
I remember I started Memoirs of a Healing Woman a little over a year ago. It will forever be among one of my greatest personal accomplishments. I am in awe of the progress both Layla and I have made in the last two & a half years.
I remember during what I just refer to as ‘everything’ I would search for anyone who had made it out. I had never seen anyone successfully divorce in my life. I was trying to accomplish something I didn’t even know was possible, so I searched. I looked for women who had done this and done this well.
I wanted to share my story in hopes of paying it forward. Hence my blog and my children’s book. Not only was I empowering others, but I was also healing myself by sharing the things in my life that had stripped me of my power.
The goal when I started was to tell you what this has looked like for me.
That it was in the moment I walked to the balcony and screamed for my mother who was never going to return.
Or when the man I lost myself to told me he no longer wanted to be with me while I breastfed my child.
Or when I hit the porch of the house we bought together with a bottle of tequila because it finally sunk in that it was over.
That life changed drastically for me in a year. I was a mom, divorced, single mom and watching my ex move on before the divorce papers were dry while I moved across the country with my daughter. No job. No car. No house.
Fast forward to now.
Work is challenging me.
Motherhood is kicking my ass but in the best ways.
I started my Masters program & I play tennis now!
I’ve found a home for the career woman, the momma and the ever evolving Julia.
I am grateful. I am so incredibly grateful for all the things that did not go according to plan. I’m so happy for the life I have now and most importantly for my beautiful, amazing Layla.
What happened was way bigger than anyone else. I am now responsible for myself and all my happiness.
I suppose I could write about the things now. Happiness, motherhood, love… But the universe has found a way in connecting me with the people that I can share these stories with intimately.
I love that the most. Your vibe attracts your tribe. I must be doing something right.
I’m far from healed but closer than I was. I still hope for blended family vacations, better relationships with family members, more patience as a mother, mastering the art of being present and putting my phone down.
What I really wanted to say before I got here was, thanks for reading. For journeying with me. Thank you for allowing me to share my version with you. Thank you too for sharing your stories with me in return.
I wish I knew where this blog is going. I imagined one day I would brand the image and talk about badass women on public forums but right now I’m fighting the gremlins of public speaking. Maybe this is the foundation to get there. Crosses fingers.
Wherever you are in your healing, I hope this comes as a reminder that it gets better.
In the craziness of the hurricane of life, there is calm after the storm.